Based on a True Story.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Rated R due to Graphic Language and Violence, Blood, Gore and Drug Use, with some Sensuality.
[if you are above the age of 28 or under the age of 18 please DO NOT continue reading]
The date was December 21, 2009. 9:32 pm.
My partner and I were commissioned to do some investigating a few neighborhoods over.
He went by the code name Falco, as for me I was Phoenix.
We received a report months earlier about some disturbances in the Q9 Sector of town, so they called us in.
The A squad, the big guns.
It was a chilly night, not a sound for miles except the whirring on a distant tugboat on the Tennessee river. As we approached the neighborhood Falco filled me in on the details.
Her name was Catherine, 72 years old. The complains held that her neighbors were evil criminal masterminds. It was the job of Falco and I to catch these bastards. These sons-of-bitches were waking up every single night raising all kinds of hell in response to a wits battle that had somehow started between Catherine and the Hymen family, of 13A Bleaker Street.
The only visible life on the street was the gay Mr.Bernard of 12 Bleaker walking his dog. Bernard owned the salon down on 37th. We nodded cordially as we walked by pretending not to notice his pink asian patterned silk nightgown, or the hideous little rat of a chihuahua at his side taking a shit on the neighbors lawn all the while dressed up in a gaudy little sparkling sequence sweater. "wtf" I thought.
We has parked a block away, Falco dressed as a homeless man, and I dressed as a bush. We were damned prepared. I was packing some major heat hidden in my branches, and I knew that my partner had several automatics and explosives in the shopping cart which he pushed as he tended to the numerous rubbish bins along Bleaker.
We had headsets so that we could easily communicate for when the shit would inevitably hit the fan. We both were positioned on opposite ends of the yard, so we had optimal-prime eyesights on the perimeter.
Falco had sat again the old wooden fence curled up with a colt 44, while I continued to look very bushy. I had a flask of whisky that helped to ward off the cold chill creeping up my spine. I knew that at any minutes these assholes would be sneaking through the yard to mess with poor old miss Catherine.
As I hid in the foliage I took another look through my casefile, in hopes that I would be more prepared for the devilish shenanigans these pranksters were about to pull. Report #56453547-7A read that these so called neighbors were dropping refrigerators in her backyard all night. Report 23456789-3C said that they were waking her up again with a loud buzzing noise. Report 86238929-56R stated that they were waking her up by banging on her fence then chucking cinderblocks at her patio. It made me sick to my stomach, how can anyone be so inhum---
"Pheonix we got something at 7 o'clock". I stuffed the reports back into my jacket pocket and pointed my Canon in the direction that my comrade had indicated. An old '89 Ford ranger had pulled up and a tall dark character emerged from the scufflerjunt. He was closer to Falco than I so Falco went in pursuit. I snuck around and scrawled down the license plate number. They were local Tennessee plates, we knew this had to be our guy.
Next I slithered up a tree shortly after switching my disguise from a small bonsai tree to a pelican. I sat perched on a branch and made the pelican making call that I had rehearsed with Falco earlier that day, it was textbook. He replied and that was when I caught sight of the cock-sucker assailant slipping through the darkness in the direction of Catherine's small little cottage.
I knew that poor old Catherine was in her cottage doing her best to sleep in the middle of her house, which happened to be a hallway with a giant industrial fan blowing on her to block out the noise. She was very likely drunk as that had been helping pass the sleepless nights. I could smell her cats in the cold night breeze, thats when my partner who has a severe cat allergy sneezed.
The culprit turned about and pointed his weapon, I knew this was my chance before he could blast my guy with his massive hand cannon, I soared out of the tree; "caw caw" In one fell swoop I landed a judo chop on his shoulder making him drop the gun.
The guy was 2 maybe 4 times my size, but I didn't sweat it. He swung with all his might just barely grazing my chin. I counted with direct kick to his knee splintering his bones. You could hear a grotesque crack as his knee shattered. He gave another valiant effort when he threw himself with all his will pushing from his good leg to throw yet another punch. I dodged again, this time I grabbed his wrist with one hand pulling his arm straight, and with my free hand did an upwards:push:grab to his elbow sending it in the opposite direction.
My plan had worked his arm broke like a hot knife through butter. Yet still this bastard would not give in. He crawled back a few furlongs and managed to find some health and body armor. I knew it was really on now, that's when Falco came to repay the favor. Wreaking of malt beer a homeless clad man flew over the fence, and applied a power elbow bomb of death to the top of his miscreants head, but just then:
a huge flash of light and a thunderous noise came from the direction of Catherines house. Startled Falco and I fell back and looked in the direction of the old coots house. The criminal fell over with a single stream of blood trickling down from between his eyes. Then all we saw was a giant silver western style pistol being pointed from the shadows only lit by a nearby street lamp.
When out of the shadows hobbled old Mrs. Catherine. "Motherfuckers makin too much noise!"
Phoenix: Derek Peters
Falco: Stratton Tingle
Mrs.Catherine: Dora Myers
Gay Bernard: Josh Michalski
Bad Guy: Brandon Lowry
Hair and Make Up:
Prophets and Kings
Nine Inch Nails